Tiger Dad + Kitten Mom = Flexible Cat Kids?

Surviving - and thriving - in Chinese schools

I knew my 5-year-old twins would start speaking Chinese if we threw them into a Chinese school. But still somehow I’ve been surprised to see it happen. Being a worrying, coddling mother I wondered what traumas they might suffer along the way.  Their father, more of a “stop crying and just do it” sort, wanted them to be happy but knew they’d survive.

And they did complain at the kindergarten (more equivalent to a US preschool) in Beijing where we first enrolled them. They complained that the teachers yelled, and they couldn’t tell me what they were doing all 8 or 9 hours they were at the school everyday.  Still, their Chinese progressed and instead of complaining that they couldn't understand the teachers or talk to their friends, they started coming home telling me about conversations they had in Chinese.

Example of a Chinese textbook for 5 year olds

Still we were concerned they were just playing all day and knew that at nearly 6 years old, they were up to more challenge than that, in any language. Finally through chance, we learned of another school with smaller classes, a more educational focus, and better yet – more than half the price! On the last day at the old school, Isaac told his teacher in Chinese he was “going to university” (which translates literally to “big school” in Chinese).

And then, my boys who previously had to be coaxed and coerced and bribed (Isaac more than his twin Ethan) to do homework at night, suddenly last weekend, just two days after starting the new school, couldn’t stop doing it. They just wanted to write characters all night, while their dinner went cold. And then, at school the next day, Isaac raised his hand to answer a question and boldly went to the front of the class to answer. Shyer Ethan soon followed suit.

Suddenly, for now, I feel better about the prospect of throwing them in competitive primary school.

The Cousins Descend

The cousins have descended. And despite the small space and her frequent instruction to me on the correct way to do things or raise my kids, it’s been good. The boys love their cousins, for some reason especially the 10-year-old girl. She reminds me a bit of Katie back in Athens – pretty, smart and mature for her age. They do like the 4-year-old boy too though I guess he’s not quite “big kid” enough to be as much fun and he’s could use a bit more discipline (but then again mine probably could too!). Still I am reminded how much humor and play is universal and cross-culture.

It does get a bit crazy here though – they took to throwing blocks at Hong Ting, the girl, who seemed to think it was funny and despite my constant telling them to stop, their mama was laughing too. Finally during one such session yesterday when I wasn’t paying attention she apparently got hit and was crying. I didn’t even notice she was crying, just thought she was hiding from the barrage. Her brother claimed it was our two who did it and Jack started to get angry at them, but I told him not to blame them since they were encouraging it and there wasn’t much I could do to stop it if I didn’t have their mama’s support. Anyway, everyone is good friends again today. They went by themselves today to the Great Wall, returning hot and exhausted but with tales (and pictures) of fat foreigners, who were horrified when the boy smashed a butterfly. I have to say I would have been too.

And if one more person tells me the boys shouldn’t be wearing a diaper even to sleep at 3 years old, I just might punch them. Chinese people have very standardized and mechanical views of child rearing. I’ve been really pleased at their quick success at going diaper-less during the day and know we should work on sleeping soon (though they both went pee-less during nap today when I promised them suckers in return!), but I really am not worried about that. The constant advice I am given is starting to wear on me, probably because Jack’s cousin is here. The first thing when she arrived was to say how skinny and sick they were. We assured her they were not sick at all. Meanwhile her son who snacks all day and only drinks sweet drinks has actually been sick. The other thing everyone says is you have to chase them to get them to eat if that’s what it takes. I strongly disagree on this matter, try to explain that kids won’t starve themselves and the most important is that what they eat is healthy. But I have had to relent to let Jack feed them in front of the tv to make sure they eat as much as he thinks they should even though I disagree with that.

Meanwhile, we squeezed in a trip to Daxing. It was nice if a bit disconcerting as it took me quite some time to orient myself and recognize everything – partly because so much has changed. It wasn’t terribly exciting for the boys but they still kept the lunch party entertained – Isaac pulling his handwipe magically out of his shirt again and again with squeals of laughter, Ethan crawling under the table and both of them twirling the big lazy susan around after placing some object on it. We saw Gilda, another old student of Pamela’s, and Leonard too who surprisingly but happily (he is kind of shy and not very attractive though smart and funny) married a lovely lady who is more educated than and is due with their child in a few months. We were mostly at their house when not lunching. Also Xiao Hong of course, who hasn’t changed a wee bit. I caught only a brief glimpse of my old apartment and the BIGC.

We leave on Saturday for Chongqing. Tickets were getting hard to come by, so we had to delay a day longer than we planned. Jack went to the ticket office at 7 pm when they started selling the next available train and reserved us two soft berths – that means first class beds. The compartments have doors and air conditioning and other amenities we will no doubt discover. We will have to share with two other people so I hope the boys are on good behavior and that the compartment-mates are not too annoying either! I’m kind of exhausted already thinking about spending the next few weeks on the road and with various family but hopefully it’ll be good and it’s definitely nice to be on the downward trend toward going home.

It seems I either have a spy or a stalker. Considering where we are, either is a possibility. A young, handsome even, man with a “Marines” T-shirt was in our square this afternoon. I first noticed him because his look was kind of striking and reminded me of a husband of someone I know. After a while I realized he wasn’t talking to anyone and didn’t seem to know anyone there, and what’s more kept looking at us. He smiled sometimes watching the boys and I thought perhaps he just thought they were cute (who wouldn’t?) but even when we moved off the square to another small park then over to the fruit vendor, he would turn and watch us each place. Very peculiar.

We also found out it really is a small world. One of the friendlier folks here is a native Beijinger, very traditional, very Beijinger, but friendly. He is a little older with a 25-year-old daughter and wife probably not much older than that and a boy a little older than Ethan and Isaac. I have been making observations about Olympic preparations and asked Jack to ask him if he thought Beijing was ready. He said yes right away, then kind of back-tracked and said well, not completely. But it turned out he works for the Volleyball committee and is also in charge of the Taiwan delegation. On hearing this, Jack immediately asked if he knew his old boss at Mikado in Indianapolis, who is in Beijing on the delegation for the Games. Turned out he did. Jack was amazed and still can’t get over it.

We find we have to get a bit more creative with entertainment, especially on rainy days in such a small apartment with five us. Coloring and painting last for a brief time. The scooter is also popular as an indoor toy. The other day, they insisted on making robots, which turned out to be wrapping paper around their legs, arms and head. They were very eager to go outside like this after their nap to show off, but were disappointed (I was relieved!) to find the square mostly empty of other kids. They are getting familiar and friendlier with the other kids. Some kids are very possessive of their toys but others share freely and play well with them. When we have something to share like the scooter it certainly helps. They take turns riding bikes or kicking balls around. They also start to try to "read" in bed like mama or on the potty (which is still hit and miss - literally)

At the same time, we find ourselves collecting more toys than we probably should. On a visit to the local planetarium, Jack, who’s usually more “mean” about these things, bought them a ball rolling device. It’s taken us longer to put it together, or fix it, than they actually play with it. Still, it provides us all entertainment.

But said trip to the planetarium proved mildly disastrous. We thought we’d try the 4-D movie, thought the boys would like it, like a roller coaster, and spent a bit of money of that. Well, it turned out to be some under-the-sea kind of thing and the boys were absolutely terrified when air would blow on us and some scary-looking fish would jump out. So we had to take them out before the very short film was even halfway through. They kept saying they were “scared” after the fact, not a word I knew they knew! I kept telling them, “you want to ride scary, dangerous roller coasters but a movie with some fish scares you??” It’s kind of a relief though to know something does scare them!

Yeye is here now. It’s been interesting. He loves the boys, though he said if we came when they were five, they’d be more fun… As it is, he annoys them to death and I see where Jack gets it from. I have to bite my tongue and instinct to drag them away when they get upset. But they annoy back. He gets upset that they just call for mama all the time and only stay out for brief periods if he takes them alone. But he will just have to wait til they get used to him. He’s not the kind of grandpa to go buy them presents all the time, but he does buy them watermelon, and suckers every day, which they are addicted to (always grape for Isaac and always a new flavor for Ethan every day which he then discards two minutes later and asks for more). He speaks his kind of non-standard Mandarin to them and tries to teach them but so far they aren’t picking up a lot. I’m sure, like with English the first couple years of their lives, they are absorbing a lot and I can tell they understand more and more even if they don’t say more than “ni hao” and “xie xie” when they feel like it (and “pigu” when they see a kid with the open pants).

Speaking of open pants, one unexpected positive side of our trip is the boys are going diaperless when they are not sleeping. And I now understand the benefits and ease of the open pants and may even get some! It’s very handy to be in a country where no one looks twice if your kids stop to pee in public. Heck, grown ups do it too. They have been getting very good and holding it and going when we tell them or letting us know when they are starting to go. Isaac even poopooed in the potty yesterday of his own volition. He was soooo proud of himself. He is so eager to be a “big kid” and when he does something like that or eats all his dinner, he will stand up tall and say “big, strong”. Of course it probably has something to do with wanting to be big enough to ride the roller coaster at the zoo. Ethan, as usual, is more in lalaland. He’s refused to poo poo for the last few days, will sit on the potty as long as I sit there too playing with him or reading a book, but nothing happens L However, he has progressed vastly from a few days ago when he was peeing on the floor to telling me he has to go (and sometimes then pointing out to me where some of it didn’t make it to the potty!)

Okay, enough potty talk. I’m just excited about that! In other news, we finally got them the scooter they have been longing for. They always see the other kids on the square with their cool toys. So daddy went and bought them one and they have been riding it non-stop. I do have visions of my brother as a kid getting a big injury from a scooter, but this one is small and hard to have a serious accident (she says hopefully). They do fight over it though and try to ride it in the house, in the street… They even got into a fight with a girl about it this morning. This little girl, kind of tomboy, we see all the time with her granny, she was riding it for a while while the boys played with her bucket and shovels and some dirt and they alternated blowing the cheap plastic trumpet daddy also got them. Well, after a while Ethan wanted to ride again, got on and while her granny was chatting to someone and I was rushing to tell her to just wait a minute, the girl pushed Ethan off. He of course became very upset and when granny intervened and the girl also didn’t get to ride it, she also started throwing a fit. Granny suggested we just take off and let her cool off, so we did.

It’s also been good to catch up with a few friends. We see Pamela every now and then, last time went to the Botanical Gardens with her and her replacement at her job (she starts a new one at China Daily) and his Russian cousin. Mark is supposedly coming before we leave – we’ll see. And we’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get together with Rob who seems to wake up about the time we’re going to bed! Today we also had lunch with Laurie Lew, who helped me get the job at CCTV, along with Edwin Maher, a really sweet older Australian man who is an anchor there. Where we live is the compound for the hotel staff. It’s kind of weird to see all these people we were used to seeing dressed up serving us, walking their dogs in their civvies. A lot of the same ones are here and they all remember us well, as well as remembering how pregnant I was when I left. Jack does better at remembering them though than I do! Jack has a lunch with his classmates tomorrow – we’re still debating whether the boys and I should go or not, I think probably not. He hasn’t got together with any of them since we got back. One sent us the tickets to the sports performace at the Bird’s Nest and then later asked if I would teach his wife English in exchange for her watching the boys. I couldn’t quite picture the logistics of this, especially with her living a ways away. Jack has another friend, Wang Hao, who we used to spend some time with who has disappeared. He kept changing jobs and lived in a $10/month shack and now noone can track him down. Another good friend of ours who lives in Sichuan we also can’t get a hold of. That’s kind of troublesome considering his family is from the earthquake area. Jack thinks though it’s just that he didn’t write down the correct cell phone number the last time they chatted before we left. I certainly hope that’s the case.